why are bones

I go into each year with a giant list of new year’s resolutions. I keep hearing that the key to success is to make small, achievable resolutions, but every year I’ve tried that, I do the thing and then immediately stop doing that thing right after. Like, read five books? Easy as pie! A totally doable goal! That’s done by the second week of January, and then I file my tiny accomplishment away in my brain and suddenly it’s August and I realize I’m only halfway through that novella I started six months ago. I’m not great with noting the passage of time — it always feels like I just did something, no matter how long ago it was that I did that something. Which makes it hard for me to develop habits, since I always end up like “What do you mean I need to drink more water, I just drank some!” but I haven’t actually had anything non-caffeinated in a month.

Anyway, this year I decided to take a different approach, and made a bunch of things I cannot possibly hope to accomplish by the time December rolls around, so that I will be forced to work at them constantly and I won’t stop anytime soon. Number one on that list is doing a handstand. This is step one of my plan to become a top-notch contortionist so I can steal all of Doug Jones’ roles from him (another lofty goal, but I’ll probably save that one for 2017). The main problem is that I totally lack three things that are essential for awesome feats of flexibility, strength, and balance (namely, flexibility, strength, and balance).

This month I actually started working on that goal. Step one: 30 day yoga challenge! This is how week one went, more or less:

Day 1: fell over
Day 2: shoulders hurt but at least I didn’t fall over
Day 3: why are bones
Day 4: feeling like jello that’s been left out of the fridge too long
Day 5: feeling like jello that’s been left in the fridge too long
Day 6: not yet one with the universe
Day 7: wait are you serious today I am supposed to do crow pose, I am starting to think this challenge is not actually for beginners

So yeah, I’m not yet a strong flexibility machine capable of such feats as doing the splits, touching my toes, or walking past a parking meter instead of into a parking meter. But I’m getting there, maybe, kinda, sorta. Baby steps! Really, really tiny baby steps. Baby crawl? Baby holding its head up for the first time? That’s more like it. Anyway, I’m on day 12, so it’s the most success I’ve had so far this year with absolutely anything that doesn’t involve romancing Bioware characters or keeping up with the latest season of Teen Wolf.

2014, you are going down in history as the year I become slightly less terrible at some things than I previously was, just you watch.