it’s gonna be may

I was going to make the requisite NSYNC joke, but then the president beat me to it. Thanks, Obama.

thanks obama

[via {x}]

Anyway, spring is here, and St. John’s is still much a dead, brown, barren wasteland. Which is way better than a barren wasteland covered in salty, dirty mountains of snow, so I’ll take it!

Very Important Statistics for April:

  • Emails sent/received about Captain America: 3711
  • Episodes of Scooby Doo watched: 34
  • Money left in my pocket after a cutthroat rummoli game: $0.35
  • Cryptic messages left to myself in my phone when waking up in the middle of the night: 3
  • Bioware characters successfully romanced: 2
  • Library fines accidentally racked up from an Old Norse textbook I’ve had out for over a year and never once opened: $8.002
  • Weird contraptions MacGyvered in attempt to retrieve wayward koosh ball from shed roof: 4
  • Fights gotten into because someone was painfully, stubbornly wrong on the internet: ZERO, because I am a true hero and all should admire my restraint

…I swear this all seemed way less pathetic when I was living it. I’ve been crossing things off my to-do list left and right, so it feels like it’s been a fantastic, successful month, but I’m pretty sure one does not win the Internet Olympics by posting about how they cleaned out their makeup drawer or decoded the weirdly incoherent instruction booklet for the sewing machine. Anyway, May’s got lots of fun things to do and shiny things to take pictures of, so here’s to a way less painfully dull stats post.


1 Did you know gmail automatically starts a new email conversation after 100 emails? I do now!

2 LUCKILY, I’m pretty sure the librarian who scanned my returned books took pity on me and made it all go away. Thanks, librarian! You are a true pal. May your joys be many, your sorrows few, and your fingers immune to papercuts.

24 things i didn’t put on my resume

I revamped my resume recently in the hopes of landing myself gainful employment. Here are 24 accomplishments that didn’t make the final cut.

1. Frequently gets out of bed despite never, ever wanting to, 1986-.

2. Three degrees of separation from the entire cast of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, 2004-.

3. Has unusually soft hair, 2009-.

4. Has proven track record of vocal excellence in such Rock Band songs as “Tribute,” “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and “Spaghetti Cat.”

5. Got all the way through House of Leaves despite finding it both unspeakably boring and unspeakably terrifying, 2009.

6. Able to order alcohol, diner food, and/or baked goods in five modern languages, three dead languages, and both Sindarin and Quenya; currently working on Klingon, Irish, and Old Norse.

7. Demonstrates astounding willpower by consistently resisting the urge to answer any question starting with “Is this…” with “NO, THIS IS PATRICK.”

8. Got 100% on a totally improvised final presentation that involved pretending an apple was my baby and then eating it, 2004.

9. Probably the only person in the world who genuinely loves small talk, and will happily converse about the weather with you for hours (if you so desire).

10. Did not get fired from Tim Hortons despite breaking every single rule from the dress code at least once, 2004-2006.

11. Awarded bonus XP for relatively decent map-making skills, D&D campaign, 2013.

12. First TV appearance: girl rocking oddly from side to side while a classmate read a book, CBC weather segment, ~1995.

13. First published work: story entitled “Helpful Bunnies,” student newspaper, 1991.

14. Thorough knowledge of the history, politics, and culture of Tamriel and Thedas.

15. Card-carrying member of Panic! at the Disco fan club, 2008-2010.

16. Able to turn literally any conversation into a lecture on how teleportation presents more challenges morally than scientifically.

17. Winner of Most Mannerly Brownie award, Brownie camp, ~1994.

18. Second TV appearance: audience member, Uh-Oh! taping, 1997; received Wink Yahoo’s autograph and a package of grape bubble gum as payment.

19. Has a Harry Potter reference for any and every situation, 1998-.

20. Can perform one-man show of the Buffy musical with minimal preparation/rehearsal, 2001-.

21. Was told by high school chemistry teacher it was impossible to pass his class without doing the homework; proved him wrong, 2004.

22. Successfully utilized Masuda method to breed shiny Oddish, 2013.

23. Talked about butts with local legend Ron Hynes, 2010.

24. To date, has survived every single one of own (numerous) terrible life choices, 1986-.