it’s gonna be may

I was going to make the requisite NSYNC joke, but then the president beat me to it. Thanks, Obama.

thanks obama

[via {x}]

Anyway, spring is here, and St. John’s is still much a dead, brown, barren wasteland. Which is way better than a barren wasteland covered in salty, dirty mountains of snow, so I’ll take it!

Very Important Statistics for April:

  • Emails sent/received about Captain America: 3711
  • Episodes of Scooby Doo watched: 34
  • Money left in my pocket after a cutthroat rummoli game: $0.35
  • Cryptic messages left to myself in my phone when waking up in the middle of the night: 3
  • Bioware characters successfully romanced: 2
  • Library fines accidentally racked up from an Old Norse textbook I’ve had out for over a year and never once opened: $8.002
  • Weird contraptions MacGyvered in attempt to retrieve wayward koosh ball from shed roof: 4
  • Fights gotten into because someone was painfully, stubbornly wrong on the internet: ZERO, because I am a true hero and all should admire my restraint

…I swear this all seemed way less pathetic when I was living it. I’ve been crossing things off my to-do list left and right, so it feels like it’s been a fantastic, successful month, but I’m pretty sure one does not win the Internet Olympics by posting about how they cleaned out their makeup drawer or decoded the weirdly incoherent instruction booklet for the sewing machine. Anyway, May’s got lots of fun things to do and shiny things to take pictures of, so here’s to a way less painfully dull stats post.

1 Did you know gmail automatically starts a new email conversation after 100 emails? I do now!

2 LUCKILY, I’m pretty sure the librarian who scanned my returned books took pity on me and made it all go away. Thanks, librarian! You are a true pal. May your joys be many, your sorrows few, and your fingers immune to papercuts.


marchin’ into april

Happy April! I hope none of you get (or got) pranked too badly. I hate April Fools’ Day — mischief is best when it’s subtle and clever and creative, and stuff like shaving cream on doorknobs or jumping out at people and saying ‘boo’ is entirely lacking in all of those qualities.[1] [2] Why is April Fools’ Day even a thing? I consulted Wikipedia, but it’s as clueless as I am on this topic.

thanks. wiki, real helpful

[via (x)]

Anyway, this March wasn’t too shabby! Here’s my Very Important Statistics for the month:

  • Plates of spaghetti eaten in the span of one week: 10+
  • Friends who contacted me to make sure I was dealing with the death of my favourite TV character: 3
  • People in Gumby costumes encountered in mosh pits at Andrew W.K. shows: 1
  • Bioware characters successfully romanced: 3
  • Armor pieces crafted: 4
  • Marvel movies watched in a frantic bid to refresh knowledge of MCU continuity before seeing Cap 2 this Thursday: 7
  • Shiny Pokemon received from GTS/Wonder Trade: 2 (!)
  • Times fallen over during yoga: 4
  • Cans of mushroom soup hidden in someone else’s bed: 1
  • Blog posts I failed to make: pretty much all of them

I’m going to do better this month! In terms of blogging, anyway; I know there’s no way I’m doing any better in terms of weird encounters with Gumby.


[1] That said, I will laugh at whoopee cushions forever, so maybe you shouldn’t listen to anything I say about pranks.
[2] No but seriously, don’t listen to things I say about pranks, especially any appreciation of them in any way; if you ever play a prank on me I will hate you forever, no matter how subtle or clever or creative it might be.

why are bones

I go into each year with a giant list of new year’s resolutions. I keep hearing that the key to success is to make small, achievable resolutions, but every year I’ve tried that, I do the thing and then immediately stop doing that thing right after. Like, read five books? Easy as pie! A totally doable goal! That’s done by the second week of January, and then I file my tiny accomplishment away in my brain and suddenly it’s August and I realize I’m only halfway through that novella I started six months ago. I’m not great with noting the passage of time — it always feels like I just did something, no matter how long ago it was that I did that something. Which makes it hard for me to develop habits, since I always end up like “What do you mean I need to drink more water, I just drank some!” but I haven’t actually had anything non-caffeinated in a month.

Anyway, this year I decided to take a different approach, and made a bunch of things I cannot possibly hope to accomplish by the time December rolls around, so that I will be forced to work at them constantly and I won’t stop anytime soon. Number one on that list is doing a handstand. This is step one of my plan to become a top-notch contortionist so I can steal all of Doug Jones’ roles from him (another lofty goal, but I’ll probably save that one for 2017). The main problem is that I totally lack three things that are essential for awesome feats of flexibility, strength, and balance (namely, flexibility, strength, and balance).

This month I actually started working on that goal. Step one: 30 day yoga challenge! This is how week one went, more or less:

Day 1: fell over
Day 2: shoulders hurt but at least I didn’t fall over
Day 3: why are bones
Day 4: feeling like jello that’s been left out of the fridge too long
Day 5: feeling like jello that’s been left in the fridge too long
Day 6: not yet one with the universe
Day 7: wait are you serious today I am supposed to do crow pose, I am starting to think this challenge is not actually for beginners

So yeah, I’m not yet a strong flexibility machine capable of such feats as doing the splits, touching my toes, or walking past a parking meter instead of into a parking meter. But I’m getting there, maybe, kinda, sorta. Baby steps! Really, really tiny baby steps. Baby crawl? Baby holding its head up for the first time? That’s more like it. Anyway, I’m on day 12, so it’s the most success I’ve had so far this year with absolutely anything that doesn’t involve romancing Bioware characters or keeping up with the latest season of Teen Wolf.

2014, you are going down in history as the year I become slightly less terrible at some things than I previously was, just you watch.

24 things i didn’t put on my resume

I revamped my resume recently in the hopes of landing myself gainful employment. Here are 24 accomplishments that didn’t make the final cut.

1. Frequently gets out of bed despite never, ever wanting to, 1986-.

2. Three degrees of separation from the entire cast of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, 2004-.

3. Has unusually soft hair, 2009-.

4. Has proven track record of vocal excellence in such Rock Band songs as “Tribute,” “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and “Spaghetti Cat.”

5. Got all the way through House of Leaves despite finding it both unspeakably boring and unspeakably terrifying, 2009.

6. Able to order alcohol, diner food, and/or baked goods in five modern languages, three dead languages, and both Sindarin and Quenya; currently working on Klingon, Irish, and Old Norse.

7. Demonstrates astounding willpower by consistently resisting the urge to answer any question starting with “Is this…” with “NO, THIS IS PATRICK.”

8. Got 100% on a totally improvised final presentation that involved pretending an apple was my baby and then eating it, 2004.

9. Probably the only person in the world who genuinely loves small talk, and will happily converse about the weather with you for hours (if you so desire).

10. Did not get fired from Tim Hortons despite breaking every single rule from the dress code at least once, 2004-2006.

11. Awarded bonus XP for relatively decent map-making skills, D&D campaign, 2013.

12. First TV appearance: girl rocking oddly from side to side while a classmate read a book, CBC weather segment, ~1995.

13. First published work: story entitled “Helpful Bunnies,” student newspaper, 1991.

14. Thorough knowledge of the history, politics, and culture of Tamriel and Thedas.

15. Card-carrying member of Panic! at the Disco fan club, 2008-2010.

16. Able to turn literally any conversation into a lecture on how teleportation presents more challenges morally than scientifically.

17. Winner of Most Mannerly Brownie award, Brownie camp, ~1994.

18. Second TV appearance: audience member, Uh-Oh! taping, 1997; received Wink Yahoo’s autograph and a package of grape bubble gum as payment.

19. Has a Harry Potter reference for any and every situation, 1998-.

20. Can perform one-man show of the Buffy musical with minimal preparation/rehearsal, 2001-.

21. Was told by high school chemistry teacher it was impossible to pass his class without doing the homework; proved him wrong, 2004.

22. Successfully utilized Masuda method to breed shiny Oddish, 2013.

23. Talked about butts with local legend Ron Hynes, 2010.

24. To date, has survived every single one of own (numerous) terrible life choices, 1986-.

pride comes before a fall (that’s my excuse, anyway)

It’s Pride Week here in St. John’s! The most magical time of the year! So far I’ve celebrated by eating a ridiculous amount of pizza and playing video games, which is not so much a celebration of all things LGBTQ as it is a celebration of laziness and underemployment (although I totally did build a rainbow bridge in Minecraft, so I’m pretty sure it counts, even if it was more a tribute to Heimdall than to gay pride). Every year I swear I’m going to go to everything going on during the week, and every year, without fail, I only get to one event.

​My first Pride was the one that set the precedent. It also set a really low bar for future Prides, for the record. I was a teenager, complete with frantic hormones and very little common sense; I’d also recently discovered Queer as Folk, so I was heading into July expecting Babylon-style dance parties full of sexy, illicit shenanigans. What I ended up with was an all-ages dance attended by myself, a few of my friends, and the DJ. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I love to dance, so it could’ve been a good night regardless, but there are a few things you need to know about this dance:

​1) The DJ was especially taken with an eight-minute, stretched-out remix of Evanescence’s ‘Bring Me to Life,’ and he played it three times in the couple of hours we were there. For the mathematically disinclined, that’s twenty-four (TWENTY-FOUR!) minutes of Amy Lee’s slowed-down voice mournfully begging us to call her name and save her from the dark, which is every bit as uplifting and invigorating as you’d imagine. Do you know what happens when you slow down Evanescence and set it to a pounding beat? What happens is you get a dance dirge — now that I think about it, a dance dirge sounds kind of awesome. Spoiler alert: this one wasn’t. It really, really wasn’t.

​2) In order to get a drink, we had to go to the door, give the staff our money, and wait for them to go into the bar next door and get it for us, since we were all underage. We headed back to the dance floor with our glasses of Pepsi, and as soon as my friend took a sip, she grimaced. ‘I think my drink is spiked,’ she said, which was of special concern because she was the one driving. And also because, y’know, STRANGER DANGER, CONSTANT VIGILANCE, all that jazz.

​The rest of us tried her drink, then ours (apparently our adolescent selves were phenomenally bad at CONSTANT VIGILANCE). Hers and mine were unmistakably flavoured with liquor, but another friend’s glass tasted faintly of beer. Which was weird, because who slips a teaspoon of beer into someone’s drink? Absolutely no one ever, I’m pretty sure, which is why we looked at our drinks more closely, noticed the grime around the tops, and realized we’d been given dirty glasses.

​There’s a gap in my memory here, and I’m not sure if that was the moment we decided to leave. The next thing I remember, we’re walking out the door just as the DJ decides it’s the perfect time to break out that REALLY, REALLY GREAT Evanescence remix.

​I’m pretty sure I can be forgiven for giving all the other Pride stuff a miss that time around, but I’ve still never managed to make it to more than one thing per year. A barbecue one year, a bonfire with awkward/awesome spin-the-bottle hijinks the next, and last year’s dance, which was in a bar that serves my favourite hard-to-find beer and was packed wall-to-wall, so it was definitely an improvement on that first Pride dance. Anyway, they were all fun times, so I have no idea why I’ve never made it out to more. This year, I decided, was going to be my year!

​…and then I ended up with a hand-me-down PS3. Okay, I thought, sitting down with my budget. Two cab trips home from downtown = Skyrim, so obviously the club nights were off the table. Bus fare to and from the events during the week = Little Big Planet, so they also got crossed off my agenda. Let’s be real, Pride is awesome but it’s only one week, whereas Skyrim is forever. At the moment I’m still planning on making it to the parade if the weather is nice, partly because I’ve never been, partly to keep my record intact, and mostly because I’m going to be downtown anyway to pick up this week’s comics. (Captain Marvel, hell yeah!)

​Anyhow, local types who prefer being social to killing dragons, I hope this year’s Pride treats you well! Let me know what I’m missing.