I revamped my resume recently in the hopes of landing myself gainful employment. Here are 24 accomplishments that didn’t make the final cut.
1. Frequently gets out of bed despite never, ever wanting to, 1986-.
2. Three degrees of separation from the entire cast of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, 2004-.
3. Has unusually soft hair, 2009-.
4. Has proven track record of vocal excellence in such Rock Band songs as “Tribute,” “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and “Spaghetti Cat.”
5. Got all the way through House of Leaves despite finding it both unspeakably boring and unspeakably terrifying, 2009.
6. Able to order alcohol, diner food, and/or baked goods in five modern languages, three dead languages, and both Sindarin and Quenya; currently working on Klingon, Irish, and Old Norse.
7. Demonstrates astounding willpower by consistently resisting the urge to answer any question starting with “Is this…” with “NO, THIS IS PATRICK.”
8. Got 100% on a totally improvised final presentation that involved pretending an apple was my baby and then eating it, 2004.
9. Probably the only person in the world who genuinely loves small talk, and will happily converse about the weather with you for hours (if you so desire).
10. Did not get fired from Tim Hortons despite breaking every single rule from the dress code at least once, 2004-2006.
11. Awarded bonus XP for relatively decent map-making skills, D&D campaign, 2013.
12. First TV appearance: girl rocking oddly from side to side while a classmate read a book, CBC weather segment, ~1995.
13. First published work: story entitled “Helpful Bunnies,” student newspaper, 1991.
14. Thorough knowledge of the history, politics, and culture of Tamriel and Thedas.
15. Card-carrying member of Panic! at the Disco fan club, 2008-2010.
16. Able to turn literally any conversation into a lecture on how teleportation presents more challenges morally than scientifically.
17. Winner of Most Mannerly Brownie award, Brownie camp, ~1994.
18. Second TV appearance: audience member, Uh-Oh! taping, 1997; received Wink Yahoo’s autograph and a package of grape bubble gum as payment.
19. Has a Harry Potter reference for any and every situation, 1998-.
20. Can perform one-man show of the Buffy musical with minimal preparation/rehearsal, 2001-.
21. Was told by high school chemistry teacher it was impossible to pass his class without doing the homework; proved him wrong, 2004.
22. Successfully utilized Masuda method to breed shiny Oddish, 2013.
23. Talked about butts with local legend Ron Hynes, 2010.
24. To date, has survived every single one of own (numerous) terrible life choices, 1986-.