why are bones

I go into each year with a giant list of new year’s resolutions. I keep hearing that the key to success is to make small, achievable resolutions, but every year I’ve tried that, I do the thing and then immediately stop doing that thing right after. Like, read five books? Easy as pie! A totally doable goal! That’s done by the second week of January, and then I file my tiny accomplishment away in my brain and suddenly it’s August and I realize I’m only halfway through that novella I started six months ago. I’m not great with noting the passage of time — it always feels like I just did something, no matter how long ago it was that I did that something. Which makes it hard for me to develop habits, since I always end up like “What do you mean I need to drink more water, I just drank some!” but I haven’t actually had anything non-caffeinated in a month.

Anyway, this year I decided to take a different approach, and made a bunch of things I cannot possibly hope to accomplish by the time December rolls around, so that I will be forced to work at them constantly and I won’t stop anytime soon. Number one on that list is doing a handstand. This is step one of my plan to become a top-notch contortionist so I can steal all of Doug Jones’ roles from him (another lofty goal, but I’ll probably save that one for 2017). The main problem is that I totally lack three things that are essential for awesome feats of flexibility, strength, and balance (namely, flexibility, strength, and balance).

This month I actually started working on that goal. Step one: 30 day yoga challenge! This is how week one went, more or less:

Day 1: fell over
Day 2: shoulders hurt but at least I didn’t fall over
Day 3: why are bones
Day 4: feeling like jello that’s been left out of the fridge too long
Day 5: feeling like jello that’s been left in the fridge too long
Day 6: not yet one with the universe
Day 7: wait are you serious today I am supposed to do crow pose, I am starting to think this challenge is not actually for beginners

So yeah, I’m not yet a strong flexibility machine capable of such feats as doing the splits, touching my toes, or walking past a parking meter instead of into a parking meter. But I’m getting there, maybe, kinda, sorta. Baby steps! Really, really tiny baby steps. Baby crawl? Baby holding its head up for the first time? That’s more like it. Anyway, I’m on day 12, so it’s the most success I’ve had so far this year with absolutely anything that doesn’t involve romancing Bioware characters or keeping up with the latest season of Teen Wolf.

2014, you are going down in history as the year I become slightly less terrible at some things than I previously was, just you watch.

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this week in “things on the internet that delighted me”

It’s February 15th, aka the most important day of the year: the day that Valentines Day candy gets marked down. I’m pretty excited for all the marshmallow hearts I’m gonna eat, you have no idea.

Here’s a few things to look at while you’re munching on discount chocolates!

  • If the extreme right-wingers are right and gay marriage is the start of a slippery slope where society will crumble because people will be marrying, like, five million dogs and a lamp wearing a wig, I hope I’ll be allowed to marry this Ricardo Sternberg poem that went up recently.
  • This kickstarter, for an illustrated limited edition of a YA novel, is already fully backed and has some kickass bonuses. Even if you’re not feeling the story (the author has the first 50 pages on her blog, so you can find out!), it’s worth checking out just for the artwork. If the weird marriage dystopia previously mentioned becomes a reality, I’m also going to marry the Brett Weldele piece from this project.
  • Gorgeous, gorgeous realistic Pokemon art done as a field guide.
  • Photos from a ridiculously fantastic Alice in Wonderland-themed project. Seriously, check it out, because I don’t even know how to begin describing it. I found it through one of the artists’ websites; their outrageously cool pinhole camera photography was going around on Tumblr awhile back.
  • This is a recipe for cheesy bacon ranch pull-apart bread. I haven’t made it yet, so I can’t vouch for its tastiness. I just thought you should know that it exists. It’s a thing. It could be yours. You’re welcome.
  • this week in “things on the internet that delighted me”

    Today’s links are a little music-heavy — oh, my friends, you would not believe how long I’ve had ‘Stacy’s Mom’ stuck in my head. It’s horrible. I mean, the song is horrible, but having it stuck in your head is even worse. I’m starting to really feel bad for Stacy, though. She deserves better, and can’t just banish her predicament with good music like I can. Speaking of which, hey, link time!

    • When I find myself in times of trouble, Queen Beyonce comes to me. (No but seriously, this site is amazing.)
    •  Against Me!’s new album, Transgender Dysphoria Blues, dropped this past month, and it’s completely amazing. The title track is my favourite, but seriously, you need this whole album in your life. Check it out, and also take a look at frontwoman/actual goddess Laura Jane Grace’s reddit AMA from earlier this week if you missed it!
    • Autostraddle had a playlist this week that was basically the soundtrack to all of my late-2000s feelings.
    • Not music-related, but my fellow Pluto fans will enjoy this article.

    That’s it for today! Happy Saturday!  ♥

    24 things i didn’t put on my resume

    I revamped my resume recently in the hopes of landing myself gainful employment. Here are 24 accomplishments that didn’t make the final cut.

    1. Frequently gets out of bed despite never, ever wanting to, 1986-.

    2. Three degrees of separation from the entire cast of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, 2004-.

    3. Has unusually soft hair, 2009-.

    4. Has proven track record of vocal excellence in such Rock Band songs as “Tribute,” “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and “Spaghetti Cat.”

    5. Got all the way through House of Leaves despite finding it both unspeakably boring and unspeakably terrifying, 2009.

    6. Able to order alcohol, diner food, and/or baked goods in five modern languages, three dead languages, and both Sindarin and Quenya; currently working on Klingon, Irish, and Old Norse.

    7. Demonstrates astounding willpower by consistently resisting the urge to answer any question starting with “Is this…” with “NO, THIS IS PATRICK.”

    8. Got 100% on a totally improvised final presentation that involved pretending an apple was my baby and then eating it, 2004.

    9. Probably the only person in the world who genuinely loves small talk, and will happily converse about the weather with you for hours (if you so desire).

    10. Did not get fired from Tim Hortons despite breaking every single rule from the dress code at least once, 2004-2006.

    11. Awarded bonus XP for relatively decent map-making skills, D&D campaign, 2013.

    12. First TV appearance: girl rocking oddly from side to side while a classmate read a book, CBC weather segment, ~1995.

    13. First published work: story entitled “Helpful Bunnies,” student newspaper, 1991.

    14. Thorough knowledge of the history, politics, and culture of Tamriel and Thedas.

    15. Card-carrying member of Panic! at the Disco fan club, 2008-2010.

    16. Able to turn literally any conversation into a lecture on how teleportation presents more challenges morally than scientifically.

    17. Winner of Most Mannerly Brownie award, Brownie camp, ~1994.

    18. Second TV appearance: audience member, Uh-Oh! taping, 1997; received Wink Yahoo’s autograph and a package of grape bubble gum as payment.

    19. Has a Harry Potter reference for any and every situation, 1998-.

    20. Can perform one-man show of the Buffy musical with minimal preparation/rehearsal, 2001-.

    21. Was told by high school chemistry teacher it was impossible to pass his class without doing the homework; proved him wrong, 2004.

    22. Successfully utilized Masuda method to breed shiny Oddish, 2013.

    23. Talked about butts with local legend Ron Hynes, 2010.

    24. To date, has survived every single one of own (numerous) terrible life choices, 1986-.